It made me sad. Yet, we never complete escape—but we can learn from our past—and create a better future. I just wanted to get high and kill the pain so I could think what to do. When I didn’t,he did not accept my answer, but tried to drug me with whatever was in the syringe.

It takes adaptability, intelligence, and awareness, but it does happen—every day. If she doesn’t nothing will change for either one. My CH never conceded what he did to his own daughter. Or limits can be more severe, as in confronting your partner about his or her overindulgence in weed, alcohol, or some other addiction. I would like to know how somebody else handled this situation….

Hopefully, collateral damage … (As a side note, Keith is now about 300 pounds without a stitch of hair on his head, divorced and lives with his parents.). Do You Have "Narcissist-Family-Holiday Affective Disorder"? But that is time for me and thinking nothing negative or damaging. Sometimes a spouse does need to change, but often it is the disability or overall circumstances that is the source of your anger.

One of you may lose a friend or family member to the illness, left with grief, as well as the hardship of the moment.

It went nowhere but we still had to get a lawyer involved. And all too often it the account of the innocent kids.

And can you both find a way to speak to each other with compassion—and patience? His dad is now recovering from surgery. It must be difficult to know that everyone around you knew what was going on and even helped it occur. Hers dropped her because he said she wanted to completely ruin us. And I was usually right. The younger two began to have behavior issues. He swerved. How would I have time for our other children? I’m certain it was planned and very intentional. I know you have your family’s best interest first and foremost. But the long term damage is I cannot tolerate knowing when people lie to me. I did not involve my H b/c he would gloss over it. He was a senior and the captain of the football team, and I was a cheerleader. Hopefully, collateral damage has been minimal for you. Most dictionaries define collateral damage as a “general term for unintentional deaths, injuries, or other damage inflicted incidentally on an unintended target.”. Many of us have experienced some sort of collateral damage as a result of infidelity.

I had no idea that my CH had my son on conference calls with the OW. Perhaps you can look at the job loss as another new beginning for you. ok so more trickle truth, i found out that the care giver for our autisic son and one our family friends and stronger friend of my wife’s was complicit in allowing my wife to cover for her while she had the affair.

To this day, she will not keep pictures of her father after dday. He went to parties and BBQs and acted like nothing happened. This is a time in which you might have some anger and anger usually goes looking for somewhere to land. He was working. For many, this will be a turning point—surviving together—striving together.

Me his wife. You may also want to take a breath and be there for your partner when he or she seems down or tired—or exasperated with the kids, or worried about what is going on—or simply not being him or herself. It sure is tempting to think like that and blame others, but that’s a flawed mindset and will get us nowhere except feeling like we’re a victim to life.

Another child struggled with feeling sick all the time and lost weight. I stomped on the brakes.
And if not, I was gonna gouge his eyes out. Because the time and money stolen for the affair is debited from someone else’s account. It wasn’t bad enough that he was spending his life preoccupied elsewhere with another woman, but he had to make me feel even worse. There is hope. Brian and I now are each other’s primary supporter, but early on in our marriage, we couldn’t rescue each other because we were each barely holding our head above water ourselves. Think before you act. Maybe now I’m at home is a way to face the fears of the triggers. Totally stressed about money b/c I had very very little to my name at that point when he was leaving me. That would bother me.

We were both struggling, both hurting and well, “hurt people, hurt people”. Other things happened and we had to notify both their schools and church groups in case she initiated contact. On a more personal level it’s when we’re in an intensely negative emotional state – we’re consumed about the affair, our boss tells us we did a lousy job on the project, someone close to us passes away – and we allow that outside event to indirectly cause other negative stuff to happen in our lives. I wonder how many people would cheat if they could glimpse the future? And of course, we often didn’t look further than each other. Positive action often generates positive moods. Because when you think with your di&k instead of your brain this is what can happen. I hated being alone (never had that before). I hid everything from my kids but it was not easy as it was summer vacation and they were not in school. If that is the case, consider yourself lucky! How can he be so clueless? Really really really alone. And how is this all connected to the current crisis? Notify me of followup comments via e-mail. Lying is a most deadly toxin. EG. He watches her crumble to the floor sobbing. As we discussed, it is not pathological for marriages to get into trouble. The Pandemic Is Harming Relationships. But the oldest is away at university and I doubt their relationship will ever be what it was. On her relationship with her children, on her whole life. He sure put us in jeopardy. She may still be in the fog (called affair fog if you never heard of it) and it can be a very difficult period. Selfish men thinking with their di^ks. I told my H the same thing. If it is to be a breakup, please do it intelligently as well. I do the same with my teens. Me his wife. And it is not going away anytime soon. Realize that you are both hurting, not just you.

The OW was childless and even told him she “wasn’t into kids”. It was a huge one time mistake. It will only complicate the matters worse. But you did not create this situation. The deficits we individually felt with the assignment of raising Mary created an environment where we placed unrealistic expectations on each other. She has to want the relationship to work.


This is a time to pull together.

And one or both of you may be so overwhelmed or internalize your fears or worries that anxiety, depression, or chemical dependency seeps into your lives. She explains that it was a complete betrayal of every moral lesson he’s every tried to teach. This blog has helped me tremendously. For others, the pain of this experience may be too much. Every waking moment of my life seemed to entail some thoughts about Keith and our future together. Collateral damage is defined as “any damage or wounding of an unintentional target”.

Brian and I never intended or intentionally hurt each other, but we did. For50-odd years I was a trusting soul who always saw the best in everyone, but now I am always looking for ulterior motives and hidden agendas. However now he admits I was right and it did cross a line and he perpetuated it by continuing to be her friend, despite her obvious signs of liking him. It was so devastating, if D-day itself hadn’t shocked me enough, the events of that evening must have fully paralysed me. At the time, most of my energy, time and concern went into raising Mary and getting her the care she needed. When I kept refusing, he finally tried to forcibly put the needle in my arm, saying that I had troubled him at that time of night and I should be grateful he was willing to hook me up. we have all been there. In fact, many marriages will be strengthened by this experience. How to Recognize—and Respond to—a Fake Apology, In The Extreme, These “Good” Personality Traits Can Turn Bad, The Pandemic's Impact on Children's and Their Parents' Sleep, 3 Ways to Avoid Infidelity in a World Full of Attractive People, It's Not Your Imagination: Divorce Rates Are Surging, Why Fights With Your Spouse Are Making Your Teenager Anxious. I did stand up for myself b/c I was forced to but I was at least respectful and firm. Get the help you need from a therapist near you–a FREE service from Psychology Today. I feel nothing for this person other than sorry for her.

A good therapist can be priceless right now, so do not feel shy about getting help, especially if you believe that more limits are required. Is Yours at Risk? My turning point came when his affair was exposed (by me ) and I told him very calmly I was done “understanding” and being a door mat and we were over. And get the help that you need—now, and later when things settle down. So it may be your wife has no idea what to do now (most cheaters don’t). 2) Understand that YOUR behavior is YOUR responsibility.

And fast. When my H was silent I knew he was lying to me. I’ll have to get rid of it myself. The sweet, older gentleman and his car that I crushed were collateral damage resulting from my emotional response to being dumped by a stupid boy. The list goes on. When I told him, he called me stupid and several other horrible things. That is awful that your children feel responsible. We are still together and happy and I still love him and he loves me. I feel bad for you & your kids. My accident is an example. She berates herself for not telling sooner. It wasn’t in their character to allow me the space to concentrate on working on my relationship, so the friendship had to go. Put them in your day. Take this time to see how you react, and in what way it mirrors something maladaptive in your family of origin.

Is it their affair partner’s fault? BS are not allowed the opportunity to slowly become aware of someone else in the WSs life. I was furious. Paint it a different color maybe. !” Yeah, I had unbidden and unwanted “revenge” fantasies pop into my head that were just beyond anything I could have ever done. She gave them gory details of the affair. He may be sitting on fears about finances—or vice versa. Do not expect your wife to help in your recovery. The limit setting comes from a sense of what is right, what is healthy, and what is, at times, unsafe. Oh well it could be worse.

I don’t know why, but I didn’t expect or anticipate the issues that arose in our marriage.

I keep asking the same question in hopes that one day he’ll confront his demons. All things he NEVER thought about. I’ve had to get rid of other triggers. It's probably an organically healthy milestone towards really loving another person—not as an idealized object, but as a day-to-day man or woman who has needs, habits, irritations, judgments… and vulnerabilities.

The husband walks in on the mother and angry teenage children. My wife had a 3 year affair. Copyright 2018 Our Special Marriage | All Rights Reserved, Most marriages that suffer a loss (death of a child, having a child with a disability) are affected by what we could call “collateral damage”. Never mind the older two were helping me pick up the slack around the house that his disengagement caused. He said that since he was about to go away to college, it would be better to break up now since we probably would eventually anyways, and he really wanted to enjoy the rest of his summer as a free man. No guy or relationship is worth it.